– Health officials announced Monday that a mysterious new strain of gonorrhea has surfaced, one completely resistant to all antibiotics. Even more shocking, Paris Hilton has now officially contributed to the field of science.
– The U.S. Army is weighing the option of equipping its soldiers with smart-phones and tablets. The decision to do so would be the first step in preparing forces for the newest offensive in Afghanistan – Operation Angry Birds.
– On Tuesday, millions were outraged to find that Netflix, the popular movie-rental site, had increased fees for its subscribers. In an attempt to capitalize on the public’s anger, Blockbuster Video is offering discount prices on all DVDs from the trunk of the yellow Mustang parked behind Taco Bell.
– Rumor has it that the surviving members of The Beatles may be reuniting for next summer’s Olympic Games in London. The news has generated so much excitement, in fact, that there’s already speculation on the group’s follow-up gig – The 2013 Paul McCartney and Friend World Tour.
– Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has come out against Islamic authorities and insisted that the country keep its co-ed universities, calling the actions of those in favor of segregation along gender lines “shallow” and “backward.” The president then made an unconvincing argument on the merits of whipped-cream bikinis during Spring Break: Tehran.
– With a battle raging over the nation’s debt and a deadline to solve it steadily approaching, China has urged the U.S. to be “responsible” in handling its financial woes, then adding, “Hey, mister! Don’t you roll your eyes at me!”
– Thursday was Bastille Day, and, in an attempt to honor the cherished French holiday, President Barack Obama asked of Americans, “Let us not forget the meaning of Bastille Day: searching Wikipedia for the meaning of Bastille Day.”
– Reports from the Department of Homeland Security claim that, since November of 2001, there have been 25,000 security breaches at U.S. airports. Of course, to be fair, most of those are the health risks associated with eating at Cinnabon.
– A controversial new study released this past week suggests that black men are less likely to die in prison than outside in free society. In conclusion, Casey Anthony is a black man.
– California has now officially become the first state to require gay history be included in school textbooks. Governor Jerry Brown says the mandate will help highlight the major accomplishments from America’s gay community – most notably, Shake Weight for Men informercials.
– Following his stint as Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger plans to return to the big screen and star in a modern-day western called The Last Stand, where he’ll play a small-town sheriff taking on a violent Mexican drug cartel. Insider sources insist that, this time, the actor intends on firing blanks.