Category Archives: The Monologues

Late Night Monologue – Week of 7/11/11

Health officials announced Monday that a mysterious new strain of gonorrhea has surfaced, one completely resistant to all antibiotics. Even more shocking, Paris Hilton has now officially contributed to the field of science. 

The U.S. Army is weighing the option of equipping its soldiers with smart-phones and tablets. The decision to do so would be the first step in preparing forces for the newest offensive in Afghanistan – Operation Angry Birds. 

On Tuesday, millions were outraged to find that Netflix, the popular movie-rental site, had increased fees for its subscribers. In an attempt to capitalize on the public’s anger, Blockbuster Video is offering discount prices on all DVDs from the trunk of the yellow Mustang parked behind Taco Bell. 

 Rumor has it that the surviving members of The Beatles may be reuniting for next summer’s Olympic Games in London. The news has generated so much excitement, in fact, that there’s already speculation on the group’s follow-up gig – The 2013 Paul McCartney and Friend World Tour. 

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has come out against Islamic authorities and insisted that the country keep its co-ed universities, calling the actions of those in favor of segregation along gender lines “shallow” and “backward.” The president then made an unconvincing argument on the merits of whipped-cream bikinis during Spring Break: Tehran. 

 With a battle raging over the nation’s debt and a deadline to solve it steadily approaching, China has urged the U.S. to be “responsible” in handling its financial woes, then adding, “Hey, mister! Don’t you roll your eyes at me!”

Thursday was Bastille Day, and, in an attempt to honor the cherished French holiday, President Barack Obama asked of Americans, “Let us not forget the meaning of Bastille Day: searching Wikipedia for the meaning of Bastille Day.”

Reports from the Department of Homeland Security claim that, since November of 2001, there have been 25,000 security breaches at U.S. airports. Of course, to be fair, most of those are the health risks associated with eating at Cinnabon. 

A controversial new study released this past week suggests that black men are less likely to die in prison than outside in free society. In conclusion, Casey Anthony is a black man. 

California has now officially become the first state to require gay history be included in school textbooks. Governor Jerry Brown says the mandate will help highlight the major accomplishments from America’s gay community – most notably, Shake Weight for Men informercials. 

Following his stint as Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger plans to return to the big screen and star in a modern-day western called The Last Stand, where he’ll play a small-town sheriff taking on a violent Mexican drug cartel. Insider sources insist that, this time, the actor intends on firing blanks. 

Late Night Monologue – Week of 7/4/11

– On Monday, Fox News’s Twitter feed was allegedly hacked and flooded with reports saying President Obama was dead. In a related event, Tony Danza hacked into his own account just to say he’s still alive. 

– Speaking of which, President Obama held a town hall meeting Wednesday where he answered questions over Twitter. This is not the first time the president has utilized social media, however. This past April he held a similar town hall meeting over Facebook, during the ’08 election he relied heavily on YouTube, and in ’05 he took to MySpace to promote what would be his failed career as Jafaru, the jive-talking Kenyan standup. 

– New intelligence suggests that al-Qaeda may be trying to sneak bombs past airport security by hiding them inside breast implants. TSA agents are now being told to profile any woman with a full-body burqa and a killer rack. 

Further intelligence claims that a major cyberattack back in 2009 – which shut down US government websites – may have come from North Korea. Investigators knew something was amiss when Robert Gates’ inbox was SPAM’d by offers for women’s sunglasses and tiny gray jumpsuits. 

Facebook has now partnered with Skype to release a new feature which will allow users to talk to one another via video. By implementing video-chatting into the website, developers say they hope to make denying a friend-request more awkward than it already is. 

– Although Friday marked the final voyage of NASA shuttle Atlantis, it was also the first time an iPhone was brought into space. With the help of AT&T’s shoddy coverage, scientists hope to redefine the phrase, “In space no one can hear you scream.” 

South Sudan formerly declared its independence Saturday and became the world’s newest country. For millions of Sudanese, this occasion means a chance for progress, an opportunity for liberty and prosperity; for Sarah Palin, it means increased tensions with its neighboring country – Africa. 

In a stunning upset, the women’s U.S. soccer team defeated Brazil in the world cup quarter finals. In an act of retaliation, Brazil has halted the steady flow of its Victoria’s Secret models into the States. 

Finally, News of the World, the British tabloid known for its sensational celebrity exposés, printed its final issue Sunday. The paper even wrote its own obituary. True to form, it was found lying in a pool of its own ink, next to an early edition of The New York Post.

Late Night Monologue – Week of 6/27/11

The big news is still same-sex marriages. New York’s bill allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry will go into effect July 24. This, of course, means that all eyes will be on the marriage ceremonies for high-profile, celebrity couples – particularly Bert and Ernie’s long-rumoured Today Show wedding. 

– Prince William and Catherine, the newlywed royal couple, visited Canada last week, making it their very first official trip abroad. When asked why they chose Canada, they replied, “What couple hasn’t dreamt of that romantic getaway to Saskatchewan?”  

On Friday night, the Minnesota government shut down because state lawmakers failed to reach a budget agreement. Yes, when asked to comment, former Minnesota governor and current GOP presidential contender Tim Pawlenty attentively listened to Mitt Romney’s response.

Speaking of the 2012 race, Tom Petty recently demanded that Michele Bachmann stop using “American Girl” for her campaign. Oddly enough, in 2004 he had no problem with John Kerry using “Zombie Zoo” for his.

And finally, director Michael Bay has sent a letter to movie theater projectionists across the nation with specific instructions on how to present the latest Transformers movie, ending the letter by saying, “Let’s make the audiences believe again.” These audiences are then treated to a two-hour feature where Shia LaBeouf plays an action hero whose love interest is a Victoria’s Secret model.